Return of the Hungry Hamster Read online

  For Alice and Archie - SH

  For Louie, the fearless hamster wrangler - SC

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Copyright

  Joe spotted the battered old jeep as soon as he turned into his street that Saturday afternoon. Splattered with mud, its paint was peeling, its number plate was hanging off, and its roof rack groaned with trunks and boxes. Joe grinned; it could only belong to one person – Uncle Charlie! A wave of excitement swept over him and he ran the rest of the way home.

  “Joe? Is that you?” Mum called, as he slammed the front door. “We’ve got a visitor.”

  Joe raced into the living room, not bothering to take off his trainers, which were still muddy from playing football in the park. And there was Uncle Charlie, lounging on the sofa sipping a cup of extra-strong black coffee.

  “Joe!” he beamed. “How are you, m’boy?” He stood up and gave Joe a bear hug. “You’ve grown! You’re nearly as tall as me!”

  That wasn’t strictly true – Uncle Charlie still towered over Joe. As always, his great-uncle was wearing an old khaki safari suit and had his grey hair slicked back, and even though he was pretty ancient (if you counted wrinkles the same way as tree rings, he’d be about the same age as a great oak!) his eyes sparkled with energy.

  “Uncle Charlie’s just back from Egypt,” said Mum. “Look what he brought me!” She held up a beautifully carved wooden camel.

  “Cool,” said Joe.

  Joe thought his Uncle Charlie was amazing. He was an archaeologist, and spent most of his time abroad, digging up old relics. Usually they wouldn’t hear anything from Uncle Charlie for months, then suddenly he’d turn up on their doorstep with tales of lost cities and secret temples and treasure…

  “So, what was Egypt like?” asked Joe.

  “Hot! Very hot! And fascinating, too!” Uncle Charlie replied. “We found a lost pyramid buried underground. Imagine that, Joe – a three-thousand-year-old tomb containing lavishly decorated sarcophagi, golden statues, a chariot as big as a bus…”

  “Mummies?”

  Uncle Charlie grinned. “Of course!”

  “Wow!” Joe loved hearing about Uncle Charlie’s adventures. He was already drifting off into a daydream about the secret pyramid and the treasures hidden within, when Uncle Charlie nudged him playfully, bringing him back to the real world with a bump.

  “Now, I want to hear all about you, Joe. What’s been happening? Have you got that dog yet?”

  Joe’s mum grimaced. “Don’t mention the D-word. That’s all I hear from morning to night!”

  “Every lad should have a dog.” Uncle Charlie winked at Joe.

  “Exactly!” said Joe. “That’s what I keep saying!”

  Mum frowned. “But I only have to hear the word ‘pet’ and I start sneezing!” As if to prove the point, she wrinkled her nose, blinked twice, then gave a loud ACHOOO!

  Joe scuffed the carpet. It didn’t matter how desperate he was for a dog, with mum’s allergies he had no chance.

  “Cheer up, Joe!” said Uncle Charlie. “Go and look in my bag. I’ve got something for you.”

  Joe brightened. Uncle Charlie always brought back the most amazing gifts. Once he’d given Joe a tiger’s tooth that he’d had to dig out of his own thigh. Then there was the super-spooky glass eye that had belonged to a long-dead pirate – it sat on top of Joe’s chest of drawers, eyeballing anyone who dared enter his room.

  “Look for the old cigar box – it’s in there.”

  Joe rummaged around inside Uncle Charlie’s battered old leather satchel and found a few notebooks, a pair of socks and quite a lot of sand… Then he spotted the cigar box. He flipped open the lid and peered inside.

  “Wow, it’s, er … great,” said Joe. He lifted a shiny black stone out of the cigar box and peered at it closely. It was roughly cut in the shape of an animal.

  “What is it?”

  “It’s an amulet, Joe. A real amulet! Ancient Egyptians used to carry them for good luck.”

  Joe held the amulet. It fitted snugly in the palm of his hand, and it felt warm and heavy. He stroked it with his thumb. The more he looked at it, the more he liked it. He especially liked the shape. “Does it have a dog’s head?” he asked.

  Mum rolled her eyes and laughed.

  Uncle Charlie smiled. “Not a dog – a jackal! It represents Anubis, the Egyptian god of the dead.”

  “Cool!” breathed Joe. He couldn’t wait to show it to his best mate Matt.

  Just then Mum peered out of the living room window. “Aha! Looks like the rest of the clan are back from the shops. I’ll stick the kettle on again.”

  As she bustled off with the coffee cups, Uncle Charlie leaned closer. “That amulet has been around a long time, Joe,” he said quietly, “and it’s very special. It’ll grant you a wish.”

  A wish? Joe looked up in disbelief. He could spot a leg-pull a mile off!

  “It’s true. Trust me. But only one, so be careful what you wish for, because it will come true.”

  At that moment the living-room door was flung open and Joe’s brother and sister thundered into the room.

  “Uncle Charlie!” cried Toby. “Have you brought me a dinosaur bone?”

  Uncle Charlie laughed. “Not this time, Toby. But when I find one, you’ll be the first to hear about it.”

  Joe slipped the amulet into his pocket. There was no way he was going to ask Uncle Charlie any more about it with Toby and Sarah around.

  Hours later, after a noisy dinner and some amazing stories about the pyramid, Uncle Charlie announced it was time he was going.

  “Where are you off to this time?” Joe asked, though he knew his great-uncle wouldn’t say – he never did.

  “That would be telling!” Uncle Charlie said, with a wink. “But I’m sure I’ll have some new stories for next time I see you…”

  He hugged them all goodbye, picked up his satchel and stepped out into the inky night. Joe followed him to the front gate.

  Uncle Charlie took a deep breath. “Smell that air, Joe. There’s magic and mischief about. I can feel it.”

  Joe grinned. “Uncle Charlie – aren’t you going to tell me more about the amulet?”

  Uncle Charlie stepped closer and whispered to Joe. “Just remember what I said – be careful what you wish for!” Then with one last wink, he climbed into the jeep.

  The family waited on the doorstep for a few moments, waving as the jeep thundered off down the street, then went inside.

  “Right!” said Mum. “Time for bed, everyone. You’ve already stayed up late because of Uncle Charlie’s visit.”

  Joe went upstairs, feeling glum. Now Uncle Charlie had gone everything would just go back to normal. If only I had a dog, he thought, collapsing on his bed. Then home wouldn’t feel so dull after Uncle Charlie’s visits.

  But this time everything was not the same as it always was – now he had the amulet! He took it out of his pocket and looked at it closely. Was it his imagination, or was it shinier than before … and warmer, too? What if it really was a wishing stone? Then he sighed. Yeah, just like the Easter Bunny was real. He was ten years old, not five! But then again, what did he have to lose?

  Joe grinned. He knew exactly what he wanted to wish for. “I wish I had a pet,” he said softly. And then, louder, “I WISH I HAD A PET!”

  Nothing happened. Feeling a bit silly, Joe tossed the amulet on to his
bedside table and went to brush his teeth. A few minutes later he climbed into bed, flicked off his light and closed his eyes, still thinking about dogs – big, furry, stick-chasing ones…

  And that’s when he heard it. A tiny scritchy-scratchy sort of a sound, coming from under his bed.

  Joe lay stock still, listening. There it was again. Scritch. Scratch. Scuttle…

  What could it be? Mice? Rats? But then he heard a different noise, more like crunching.

  Joe grabbed his torch (which he kept under his pillow, just as Uncle Charlie recommended). He leaned down and shone the beam under the bed. He gasped. It wasn’t a mouse, or a rat, or a spider. It was…

  It was a hamster! Well, sort of. It looked like a hamster, but it was kind of green around the edges. And its eyes were odd. They were big and red and staring, like it had been watching too much telly. Joe peered closer and realized it was chewing the laces of his trainers.

  “Hey! Stop that!” he said crossly.

  The creature froze, blinking in the torchlight. Joe reached out to grab it, but just then it gave a loud ACHOOO! and sneezed all over his hand.

  Hamster snot! YUCK! Joe wiped his hand on an old sock that was lying on the floor.

  Then it sneezed again – an even bigger sneeze this time – and one of its eyeballs shot out!

  “Rats!” squeaked the creature. “I hate it when that happens! Shine your torch that way a bit, so I can find it.”

  Joe gawped. Was he losing his mind, or had the hamster just spoken?

  “Got it!” squeaked the hamster, grabbing its missing eyeball. It dusted the eyeball off and shoved it back in place. “My name’s Dumpling, and I need your help!” The hamster waddled out from under the bed and bowed low. (Well, as low as its big belly would allow.) “You’re Joe, the Keeper of the Amulet of Anubis, aren’t you?”

  “I …er…” Joe stammered.

  But the strange-looking hamster was already distracted. It sniffed the air. “Crisps! I smell crisps!” it said, and rubbed its belly hungrily. The hamster waddled over to Joe’s school bag. It rifled through the contents, pulled out an empty packet of cheese and onion crisps and peered inside. “Crumbs!” it said, tipping the bag up and emptying them into its mouth. As the final crumb disappeared down its gullet, it did a huge stinky BURP!

  “Ugh!” groaned Joe. “That’s disgusting!”

  “Onions always do that to me,” squeaked the hamster, tossing the empty packet away and wiping its greasy paws on its tummy. “Now, where were we? Oh yes – you’re Joe, the Keeper of the Amulet of Anubis, which means you’ve got to help me.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because you’ve got the amulet and I’m undead!” The hamster closed its eyes and stuck out its tongue, making a corpse face. “I need your help before I can pass over to the afterlife. Otherwise I’ll be stuck here on earth – forever!”

  Joe rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t really be talking to a zombie hamster …could he?

  “You see,” squeaked the hamster, “I’ve got unresolved issues.”

  Joe frowned. “Unresolved what?”

  “Unresolved issues – you know, problems, worries – and I can’t rest in peace until they’ve been dealt with.”

  Joe gulped. He must be having some sort of crazy dream. Any minute now Mum would shout “Breakfast!” and it would all be over.

  The hamster waddled towards him. “The person who possesses the Amulet of Anubis has a duty to help undead pets like me. Anubis is the protector of the dead, and you wished for a pet on his stone, so you’ve kind of volunteered for the job.”

  “Now, wait a minute,” said Joe, suddenly feeling a bit cross. Wishing for a pet was one thing, but helping zombie hamsters with their “unresolved issues” was another matter altogether!

  But the hamster didn’t seem to be listening. It picked up a pen from the floor and took a bite.

  “Put that down!” cried Joe.

  “I always eat when I’m anxious – I can’t help it.” The hamster frowned. “You see, I’m worried that Oliver, the boy who owned me, will be sad without me.” It took another bite out of the pen. “And I’m not even sure his parents told him what happened to me – how I died, I mean. What if Oliver blames himself for my death?”

  “Hang on,” said Joe, trying to make sense of what he was hearing. “Why would he do that?”

  It was about to finish off the pen when Joe made a grab for it. But as he did, the hamster sneezed and a hail of snot, pen and crisp crumbs splattered on to Joe’s hand.

  “Ugh! Gross!”

  The hamster shrugged. “I can’t help it! It’s the dust that makes me sneeze – my fur’s full of it.” To prove the point, it jumped up and down, and a huge cloud of dust formed around it.

  This time Joe sneezed. “Stop it! Stop it!”

  “Don’t you want to know why I’m so dusty? It’s a very sad story.”

  “No, I don’t want to know why you’re so dusty,” said Joe irritably, rubbing his nose.

  But as he spoke, the hamster sneezed again, blasting Joe with another shower of snot.

  Joe gritted his teeth. “Look,” he said as kindly as he could. “I think maybe you should leave. You know – go off to hamster heaven, or wherever it is dead pets hang out.”

  “I’ve already told you,” squeaked the hamster crossly. “I can’t! I’m an undead pet and I’m not going to be dead until you’ve helped me!”

  “I can’t help you,” said Joe.

  “But you must! You’re the Keeper of the Amulet of Anubis! You’ve got to help me make sure Oliver is OK – and that’s that!” The hamster folded its little front legs and scowled at Joe.

  Joe had had enough. “Well, we’ll see about that!” He picked up the amulet, which was still lying on his bedside table, and marched over to the window. He slid the window open, muttered “Sorry, Uncle Charlie,” and chucked the amulet out into the night.

  “There!” he said. “I’m no longer the Keeper of the Amulet, so you can go and bother someone else!” And with that he climbed back into bed and turned off his light.

  “If you’d just listen to my story…” whined the hamster.

  “No!” Joe pulled the duvet over his head.

  “But you must!”

  “No!” yelled Joe again. “And stop talking! Go to sleep or something.”

  “Sleep?” it squeaked. “Don’t you know anything about hamsters? We’re nocturnal. I’ll be wide awake all night.”

  Joe sighed and buried his head under his pillow.

  “Stop messing about!” squeaked the hamster. “I need your help and I need it now!”

  Joe groaned.

  “GET OUT OF BED AND HELP ME!”

  Joe peeked out from under the pillow to find the hamster standing at the end of his bed looking very cross.

  Joe reached out of bed, grabbed a dirty sock from the floor and threw it at the hamster. “Put a sock in it!” he snapped. THWACK! The hamster toppled off the end of the bed with an angry squeak.

  For a moment or two there was blissful silence, but then Joe heard a familiar munching sound. The hamster was doing exactly as it’d been told. It was putting a sock in it – in its mouth, to be precise! “Mmm,” it mumbled. “Tasty!”

  Joe sighed and pulled the pillow back over his head.

  When Joe opened his eyes on Sunday morning, he wondered for a moment whether it had all been a bad dream. But then he noticed little dusty footprints all over the room, and tiny bites out of everything – the bottom of the curtains, his school bag, even his underpants!

  Dumpling, however, was nowhere to be seen.

  Cautiously, Joe climbed out of bed, opened his bedroom door and peered out on to the landing. There was no sign of the little pest, but he did spot something else. The Amulet of Anubis was sitting on top of the bookcase.

  Just then, Joe heard a gnawing noise coming from the bathroom. He pushed open the door and found Dumpling sitting in the empty bath
, eating his mum’s pink sponge.

  “Hey, stop that!” Joe snatched it out of the hamster’s mouth.

  “Don’t shout at me,” Dumpling spluttered. “If you’d have helped me when I asked you to, instead of just ignoring me, then I wouldn’t still be here!”

  The hamster hauled himself up the side of the bath using the plug chain as a rope. Then he started sniffing around Mum’s bubble bath. “Mmmm, strawberries…”

  “Leave that alone!” exclaimed Joe.

  “Everything OK, Joe?” Dad’s head appeared round the door. “Thought I heard you talking to someone.”

  Joe gulped. He wasn’t sure how he was going to explain the hamster to Dad. He turned round, blocking Dumpling from Dad’s view.

  “Hey, did you see your amulet?” asked Dad.

  “It’s on top of the bookcase. I found it outside this morning when I went to collect the papers. You must have dropped it when you were saying goodbye to Uncle Charlie.”

  So that was how it had reappeared!

  “Yeah, thanks, Dad.”

  Just then Dad noticed the mangled sponge in Joe’s hand. “What on earth have you done to that?”

  From behind Joe, Dumpling burped loudly. Joe flinched.

  “Well, you see,” Joe stuttered, “I, er …well, I sort of used the sponge to clean my football boots last night.”

  Dad sighed. “I’ve told you to clean your boots outside, Joe, and you know you shouldn’t use a bath sponge. There’s a scrubbing brush in the garage for that sort of thing. Your mum’s going to go mad!”

  “Sorry. I’ll buy her another one.”

  “Good idea. And don’t do it again!” Just as Dad turned to go, the hamster jumped off the side of the bath, darted between Joe’s legs and skidded across the bathroom floor towards Dad.

  “Stop!” yelped Joe.

  Dad turned round. “What?”